Los Angeles, the second largest city in the country, does not, of course, have a football team. This is a disgrace, and to some extent inexplicable; even if a lower percentage of locals care about the sport than most everywhere else in the country, you think sheer numbers would lead to sufficient support. The NFL, however, seems quite content to leave the city barren as a not-so-subdued threat to cities that might otherwise decide not to foot the bill for shiny new taxpayer-funded stadiums.
But actually go out to watch a game in an L.A. bar and it all makes sense, as you witness the shocking, depraved level of fandom in our fair city. There's a reason, after all, that Broadway musicals do not open in Kansas, microbrews fare poorly in Utah, and books do not sell in Georgia. While I was at Joxers, the Steelers-Dolphins opening night game provided ample opportunity to witness things that simply should not happen during the public viewing of a game, things that would cause Saint Vince to roll over in his grave.
First, most guys had on ties, and many had on actual suits. Now, games start early out here, and those who find themselves gainfully employed may be driving straight to the bar after work. I get 
that part. But take the damned tie off in the car, at least. Leave the marketing deals at the office, you're watching a football game. And no, major networks, you don't help when you increasingly target upscale viewers with your advertising campaigns. During a football game, no less than fifty percent of commercials should feature hot women who want nothing more in life than to sleep with 250 pound middle-aged guys who drink excessive quantities of Miller, Busch, or Coors products. This is your target demographic, you can fire all those 'advertising experts' who maintain otherwise.
Secondly, there is exactly one sort of beverage one should drink while watching football at a bar. It's called beer. No freakin' martinis. In an honest-to-God football city, a guy drinking a martini at a sports bar would probably get his ass kicked. Which is perfectly legal in the Midwest. You even get a tax break, I think. There's a time and place for drinking out of little triangle-shaped glasses, it's called...well, I don't know what it's called. But it's not called 'at a sports bar during a football game', I can tell you that.
Thirdly, lesbians. Now, I have no problem with lesbians. Some of my favorite people are lesbians. Particularly those who produce videos widely available on the internets. And I deplore a legal system that prohibits gay marriage, that monstrously denies the transfer of season tickets to one's same-sex spouse upon death. Actually, I don't know what my point here is, other than to convey just how unusual it was to see a lesbian couple out watching a football game, although it appeared they were mostly just making out. The sheer novelty of their presence was undoubtedly why I kept glancing at them. Yeah, that must have been it.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, if there are a sufficient number of television sets behind the bar, it is only natural that some be tuned to something other than the main (in this case, only) football game. When I first arrived, the five television sets were tuned to the Steelers-Dolphins and to the Dodgers-Mets. A solid programming choice. After the end of the Dodger game, common sense dictated that the channel be changed to ESPN, particularly if SportsCenter was on, which it was. What you do not do, under any circumstances whatsoever, is flip over to Dr. Phil. Really, there should be something about this right on the liquor license application. I'm not sure what convoluted cascade of Rube Goldbergesque events caused this to occur, though I suspect the martini guy was involved.
And I never even mentioned the redneck with the heavy southern accent who insisted on playing the rap music and the hip-hop on the jukebox. I think Los Angeles will remain a football-free zone for quite awhile...
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