To: mercury@aol.com, venus@glamour.com, earth@wallstreet.com, mars@alcanon.org, jupiter@weightwatchers.com, saturn@deathrowrecords.com, uranus@barelylegal.com, neptune@yahoo.com
From: sun@hotmail.com
Cc: pluto@gmail.com
Re: Knock This $*&# Off!!!
Hey everyone, I know I haven't been keeping in touch enough lately, I had to see the doctor about that sunspot breakout I had last week. Benign, thankfully. So imagine my shock when I hear you've all decided to kick Pluto out of the family! I got so angry I tossed a few flares! Pluto is as much a planet as any of you ingrates; maybe more of a planet. I thought I accreted you all a little better than this, frankly.
Look, we all know Pluto can be a bit eccentric at times. And sure, he's small. But I'll bet you remember being the runt of the litter for a long while, Mercury. How fun was that? And I know all about the way everyone else ridicules you for still living in the basement, when they all moved out of the neigborhood. Yet you turn around and pick on Pluto? Didn't you learn anything?
And Venus, what if everyone just decided that you had to have a penis to be a planet? Where would that leave you? You have eight brothers, are you telling me you don't know what it's like to be the odd one out? Maybe there's no room in the glamourous life of a supermodel for a brother who wears plaid shirts and blue jeans. But the atmosphere of the celebrity lifestyle can be crushing, even if you've weathered the pressure so far. Don't forget where you came from.
Earth, Earth, Earth. As soon as I heard this nonsense I knew you must have been the one to originate it. Ever since you started your own business, you've looked down on your siblings. And don't think they haven't noticed! The way you keep picking fights with Mars, talking about 'permanently settling' in his house, is reprehensible. You know how angry Mars gets when he drinks, we don't need you antagonizing him further. I don't see you picking on Jupiter too much, but kicking Pluto when he's at aphelion seems right up your alley.
And Mars? How many six packs of Old Style did it take to swing you around to this bright idea? Ever since your childhood, you've never really been one to stop and think things through. I can't remember how many times you got the asteroid belt for fighting and mouthing off. But now that we've established that we can just kick out members of the family, how many more displays of your infamous temper is it going to take before you get the boot?
I know, let's go ahead and declare a maximum size for planets! Why not try that on for size, Jupiter? How much mockery have you had to put up with over the years? Is this because you just can't stand how Pluto has found happiness in his relationship with Charon? Look, if you get on a diet and stick to it, you'll find someone too. Well, at least if that big ugly red birthmark ever clears up.
Saturn, you've grown distant ever since you signed that record deal. But bitches, bling, and benjamins can vanish just as fast as they appear, and that's when you realize how important family is. When all you have is the clothes on your back and that fancy set of rings, you had better hope there's a family left to crawl back to. Live it up for now, but always remember who really loves you, and who's just orbiting you for the secondhand fame.
I don't even know where to start with you, Uranus. Who first gave you a big hug when you found the courage to come out of the closet, even though, frankly, we all knew you tilted pretty far to the side? Pluto. Remember when you first brought Oberon to a family barbeque, and Mars got all hammered and belligerent? Who told him to shut up? Pluto. And when you told us you were starring in hardcore internet porn, who defended your choice of career? That's right, Pluto.
And finally, Neptune. In a way, you disappointed me most of all. You've always been the closest to Pluto, your paths in life have intersected so often. Is this because you were so used to being the youngest? Is it jealousy? You two were practically inseperable as children, but something knocked you two apart. I hope you can work things out.
Look, things were said and done, and we can't just sweep it all under the ecliptic. But we are a family, and I expect you all to apologize to Pluto for the hurtful things you've said. Yes, he can be cold and distant, but none of your orbits are exactly circular, either.
To hell with Ceres and the rest of the bratty little in-laws though. Screw them.
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