Codswallop!: Cupset!

Only one week until the World Cup Final Match! Which means, only one week until the beginning of a glorious 47 months of no soccer tournaments! Europeans and South Americans can go back to watching, I dunno, rock formations erode, or whatever it is they do when the excitement of international soccer is denied them. American Americans can return to baseball, and...well, that's all there is now that the NBA is done. But that's plenty! Did you know that every baseball game this weekend featured a winner that scored more than zero runs? That not one ended with a home run derby after a 12 inning scoreless tie? That's right, every game began, and concluded, with the playing of baseball!

In soccer, the same can be said of only 50% of the quarterfinal matches. The big news, though, was the upset, in regulation, of the favored Brazilians by France, 1-0. I am willing to accept that this was an exciting game, as Pierre, my French co-worker, recapped the match for a good ten minutes, which is ten minutes longer than I have ever heard him talk about a sporting event. Brazil had not lost a World Cup match since 1998 (also to France), which sounds impressive until you realize that's only 8 or so matches. What's more, the decisive goal was scored by a French player, as opposed to one of those fan-tastic 'own goals' that tend to make South American players, well, dead. It did, though, follow a 'volley' after a 'free kick', which sounds suspiciously like another '100 point free throw' type situation. But this is as good as it gets in soccer, so some half-hearted praise is due. Besides, it's not like Dwyane Wade didn't have about 100 dubious points on free throws during the NBA Finals, so real sports aren't immune to this either.

Meanwhile, Portugal defeats England 0-0, proving yet again the World Cup's undiminished ability to rise to my level of mockery. Any other sport would at least feign shame and award the winning team a faux point to look good. England ended up on the defensive in the second half, after losing team captain David Beckham to injury:

England lost Beckham, seven minutes into the second half. He fell awkwardly after a heavy challenge and, despite trying to continue, was forced off.

The England skipper sat in tears on the bench as Lennon made an instant impact.

Tough captain you got there, England! I mean, this guy has had freaking movies titled after him. He's supposedly the biggest athlete in the world. He married a Spice Girl for chrissakes, and not the one that was actually kinda ugly when they showed her close up. And he leaves with an injury so debilitating the ESPN article I linked doesn't even mention what it was. Try to imagine, for one second, Michael Jordan pulling his cuticle or whatever in the playoffs and then bawling on the bench like a 2 year old who just had Elmo taken away. You cannot. It would never happen. Didn't MJ score 50 points in one of his last games in the Finals while suffering a case of the bubonic plague? That's the way I remember it, anyway.

Italy beats Ukraine by a margin of -- are you sitting down? -- 3-0. The match was pretty much over by the 6th minute, when Italian player Gianluca Zambrotta kicked the first goal. Italy now gets to face the Germans in a thrilling 'Battle of the Axis' semifinal match. Ukraine, meanwhile, has the satisfaction of knowing that they did well in their first, and given the resovietification of Russia these days, potentially last World Cup. Finally, Germany beats Argentina 1-1 in the other shootout of the quarterfinals, in a game that split the loyalties of the sizable octogenarian German neighborhood of Buenos Aries. Germany came back to tie the game with only 10 minutes left in regulation, and won the shootout 4-2.

And the stage is now set for the could-just-be-watchable semifinals! Can France, having knocked out the favorites, live up to its newfound overdog status against...wait, let me scroll back up, I already forgot...Portugal? Can the Germans bring the Italians to heel? Could we witness a France-Germany grudge match in the finals? Will the French feature an impenetrable defense in the middle of the field, only to give up after the Germans walk around it to score in the third minute? Will I bother to watch a single minute of either game, as I have not done since Day 1? Find out on, er, whatever day the matches take place!

On a final note, on this 4-day 4th of July weekend, I feel an uncharacteristic impulse to be charitable toward the lesser nations of the world. In the course of the extensive fact-checking for this post, I found that, earlier, when I refer to baseball as being the only active sport for the next few months, I neglect to consider NASCAR. When I reflect on this great nation's inexplicable fascination with watching guys drive in circles (sorry, ovals) several hundred times, I have to admit I would sooner watch the dullest soccer match than endure ten minutes of a NASCAR race. I would like to think that racing fans are only watching for the crashes, but even so, there's no escaping that many Americans have a taste in sports just as crappy as that of foriegners.

Comments

Buon juorno, Tex, from sunny, soccer-mad Italy. Yes, I get to watch Italy play in the World Cup finals from Italy. Watching them win the semis against Germany last night in the final minutes was pretty exciting. Especially since nothing much happened for the first 119 minutes, giving everyone ample time to drink beer, heckle, and save up lots of energy for all the exhuberant jumping and cheering. And the exhuberant jumping and cheering from the first goal was only interupted when people saw that a second goal was about to be scored. I went to bed long before the exhuberant jumping and cheering from the second goal was over...

So, I am supposed to be in Milan on Sunday, the day of the final and fly back to the U.S. Monday morning. If the Italians win, I really wouldn't be surprised at all if they shut down the whole freakin' pasta loving country and I'm stuck here for a few days. Which would only suck because I'd miss my summer league game...

Ciao,
Sue

p.s. I'm here for an earth science conference, so YES, the Europeans that I've met *will* go back to watching rock formations after the World Cup ends...

Posted by: Sue | July 05, 2006 at 09:27 AM

Buon juorno to you, Sue! If that's a real phrase; looks iffy to me. Both goals were in the last few minutes? I didn't look yet. Glad you got to watch the game though, it would be fun just for the crazy cheering fans at least. But how did you escape the inevitable riots?

Hmmm, I'll have to think of something more boring than watching rock formations erode. But if you do get stuck in Italy, I'm sure you'll find something to do. See you when you get back!

Posted by: Tex | July 05, 2006 at 02:02 PM