Cupclusion!

It's over! Italy defeats France on, you guessed it, a penalty kick shootout! A fitting end to a month of soccer that will be remembered for days to come. An estimated 1.3 billion people watched the match worldwide, totally affirming my low opinion of the 1.299 billion viewers outside the United States. And what, might you ask, has Italy won? A trophy that looks like a ball perched atop a rotted out tree trunk. It even looks like there's a chunk missing from the side shown in the picture at left. I wouldn't hand that out for third place in the Bakersfield School District Spelling Bee.

The big story is the complete meltdown of French captain and star Zinedine Zidane, who was tossed from the game 20 minutes into overtime in what was announced to be his final World Cup. He headbutted Italian player Marco Materazzi in the chest, possibly after Materazzi enquired as to the availability of Zidane's mother as entertainment for the Azzurri's post-Cup party.  Zidane was awarded a red card despite the fact that, in accordance with soccer's highest principles, he attacked Materazzi without using his hands. Zidane is considered France's most accurate kicker, and his dismissal rendered him unavailable for the shootout, which Italy won 5-3. For his part, Materazzi is believed to be the first soccer player ever to roll on the grass in unfeigned pain.

So Zidane loses his temper and singlehandedly ruins his team's chances to win the World Cup. No worries! French coach Raymond Domenech says he 'understands'. I don't know whether to attribute this to lower standards of behavior in soccer or to the French proclivity for defeatism. I can't think of a star player, or any player, blowing up like this in a championship game of an actual sporting event, let alone in overtime. I'm not saying it's never happened, but...it's never happened. If Dennis Rodman could keep his shit together for 5 NBA titles, if Terrell Owens could tone down the antics for the Super Bowl, and if Manny Ramirez could remember how to lace up his cleats for the World Series, then anyone can make it through a single game. Zidane needs to team up with Mike Tyson for a reality show that just watches them bumble violently through everyday life.

Oh, and on the same day the biggest sporting event in the world couldn't be bothered to play until a team won legitimately, the White Sox and Red Sox played a 6 1/2 hour, 19 inning midseason baseball game. I know, I know, they run more in soccer. Nevertheless, there were several subs on each bench who had pranced not one whit, who would be available for an extra 120 minutes if that's what it took. The difference is that, in most sports, the presumption among fans is that the sport is enjoyable to watch, that it is worthy of resolution. No one is masochistic enough to truly believe the same of soccer, whatever one might consciously profess.

Anyway, it's been fun ripping on the World Cup, but not half as fun as no longer having a World Cup upon which to rip. And I never even got in to the manifest absurdity of the offsides rule, and the consequent 'strategy' of defenders sprinting the wrong way in order to draw a call. Next time, perhaps. In a day or two we'll get to read laughable newspaper articles about how these Cup Finals 'broke records' in U.S. television ratings, just because its time-slot competition was the Billy Graham Power Hour and Retrospective: The Year in Monster Truck Rallies. But now that I've actually paid attention, sort of, to a World Cup, I know the truth. Soccer will never catch on in the U.S. It will forever, at most, remain a harmless recreational game for 6 year olds born to parents hyperparanoid about their children getting injured playing with neighborhood friends in any unorganized, unsupervised manner. Suburban parents who think that T-Ball just gets a little too rough and competitive for their little Taylor or Courtney. Let the metric-lovin' rest of the world have their World Cup.

And if the rest of the world could take golf and NASCAR off our hands as well, it would be much appreciated.

Comments

[Sue]

I saw it in Italy, sitting next to a guy fresh off the plane from France, and still don't have a good explanation for Zidane's headbutt. Though the French guy did say "He do zings like zat befoor..."

What says Tex, scorner of all things European, about the Tour de France? I'm all for cycling as a real sport, but *watching* cycling? I tried to get into it (when in Rome...), but it seemed very, well, NASCAR-esque. Watching a lot of guys go really fast, bascially waiting for a crash to generate some excitement...

[Tex]

And then Zidane won MVP (or whatever it's called) of the Cup! I mean, you can't make this stuff up. So did Rome go nuts? Did you personally torch any cars?

I think you're right about the comparison, the Tour de France is the European version of NASCAR. On the one hand, it's a little better because at least they're not going in circles. On the other hand, a crash doesn't have the potential for audience casualties that lends some minimal excitement to auto racing, so I guess it's a wash. I mean, it's amazing and impressive what those racers do, but I can't imagine watching it. I usually don't like any racing sports, although the swimming and speed skating events in the Olympics can be fun (it helps that they last minutes at most). For all I malign soccer, I would probably sooner watch it than the Tour de France.

I think the problem is that a sport is a lot more entertaining if teams (or individuals if it's 1-on-1) are trying to prevent the other side from winning, which is only minimally true in a racing sport. I mean, there's almost no 'defense' in racing sports, or golf, so there's no real offense either. It's just everyone trying unhindered to outdo everyone else. Without direct competition and the flow and strategy that evolves from that, sports usually aren't very interesting to me. Hell, I'd sooner watch chess, just because there's nothing more humbling then hearing everyone gasp at some pawn move while some announcer says "What an astonishingly bold maneuver!" when you have absolutely no idea what just happened.

Anyway, I'm sure there are good things about Europe. I probably like more European music than American (mostly British though). Less religious fundamentalism is a plus, along with fewer SUV's. European films seem better (not that I've seen a ton), but I wonder if that's just because their crappy films never make it here. And they're still allowed to teach science in science class. But I just can't stomach any major European sports I know of.

I just remembered with the Tour de France stuff the guy at Victoria's party early on who was a real barrel o' laughs. If he's a typical Tour fan, another strike against the sport...