Celebrate American Independence With Shoddy, Chinese-Manufactured Incendiary Devices!

As we celebrate the birth of the greatest, most kickass nation the world has ever seen -- the nation that brought to the world baseball and apple pie, even if most of the world barely noticed -- it is worth pausing to reflect on some of our now endangered, long-cherished freedoms. I'm speaking, of course, of the inalienable right to play with fireworks, particularly the fun ones, the ones that could take out half a Canadian brigade.

The 'journalists' at CNN Online, whose seething, terrorist-like hatred of our freedom is always roused this time of year, have an article up about the rising level of firework-related injuries. The article claims that 6,000 children were treated in emergency rooms for injuries due to fireworks last year. Does it include the total number of children who weren't stupid enough to injure themselves? Does it mention that parents rush their pampered kids to the hospital these days on the slightest pretense, like the loss of only part of a finger? Of course not. And where does that statistic come from? The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission. That's right, your tax dollars are being wasted tabulating injuries incurred in patriotic celebration of our nation's birth.

The article focuses on an interview with some idiot 14 year-old in Ohio, injured last year by sparklers, which is just pathetic. Were I injured by a sparkler as a teenager, I sure as hell wouldn't admit to it. I'd claim it was an M80, at least. The sob story:

Carpenter, now 14, was lighting a handful of sparklers for a group of younger children when the first one ignited the others, "and they all went off at once," she recalled.

"I looked down and my hand was on fire," she said. The result was third-degree burns requiring two days in the hospital and several months of therapy. Her left hand bears permanent scars.

Were any probing questions asked of this dissembling ne'erdowell? Was there any, in short, journalism going on in the preparation for this article? If you stack a handful of sparklers together, is there any way you're not going to light several at once? Are we to blame the sparklers for Kelsey Carpenter's manifest stupidity? Do we blame the trains when numbskulls try to speed up and beat them at an intersection? And we're supposed to get all weepy about a few permanent scars on a hand that is evidently intact? Hey CNN, I've got a few permanent scars. One from running into a radiator at age 4, and one from a pencil, one of those sneaky #2 bastards. Are you going to interview me? Are we going to ban indoor heating and writing utensils? Sure enough, by the end of the article some jackass from the American Acedemy of Pediatrics is calling for a total backyard fireworks ban.

For those of you unlucky enough to have grown up in some Communist area of the U.S., some of my earliest memories involve waving sparklers around in our front yard. Fireworks are fun, and that is reason enough to allow their use. Yes, some stupid children are going to get hurt. Stupid children always find a way to injure themselves, no matter how hard you try to coddle them. Some children are going to find a way to accidentally off themselves using nothing but Legos. But my grandfather didn't storm the beaches of Normandy so that safety fascists could chip away at our freedom here at home. In fact, my grandfather didn't storm the beaches of Normandy at all; but if he had, it would not have been for that reason, I assure you.

This also brings to mind lawn darts, or jarts, another staple of my childhood. At outdoor family gatherings, both adults and kids would play with these. If you're not familiar, jarts are like giant versions of regular darts, that you throw underhand with a high arc to try to land in a plastic circle maybe 30 feet away. We kids were carefully taught how to play with these, including a rigorous 40 second safety lesson by recently sober fathers and uncles. And you know what? Nobody ended up with a jart sticking out of their skull. Because we weren't freaking idiots. But in 1988, jarts were banned throughout the country by the Consumer Product Safety Commission, the same beaurocrats now whining about fireworks.  Did I miss the article of the Constitution that says, "Congress shall have the power to regulate all things pointy"?

So celebrate our freedom this Fourth of July! Put a lit sparkler in a five year old's hand. They'll remember you fondly for it, assuming they survive. And if they don't, hey...Darwin works in mysterious ways. Happy Fourth!

Comments

[amy]

Ha! I'm scared of handheld fireworks (growing up with an overly-cautious mother + working in public health), but very funny post. I grew up in CT where fireworks were illegal and was shocked when I visited my sister in Ohio and saw kids, KIDS!, playing with them. Those midwestern states. Maybe that's why they have more kids (if they do) - need to have extras in case fireworks do them in.

Jarts? Never heard of them.

[Matt]

I would just like to point out how many THOUSANDS of people DIE every year as a result of improperly using CARS! But does anyone propose banning those? NOOOO. So why all the fuss over a few kids getting hurt? Is there any lesson about the dangers of fire as lasting as a third degree burn? I don't think so.

[Tex]

Yup, that's why my grandparents had 8 kids. Never know when you're going to lose a few. I do think though that all this is just a part of the whole safety hysteria that's overtaken everything. I wasn't a particularly adventurous kid but like almost everyone else our age I didn't wear a bike helmet, climbed trees, etc. Do parents let their kids do any of that anymore?

I'm not one for conspiracy theories, but it sometimes seems there's some secret Parents' Committee that just thinks up new safety laws, headed by the sort of people who tear apart their house for mold, make their kids dress like football players when riding a bike, never let their kids play with even fake looking toy guns, and duct tape their windows every time the Dept. of Homeland Security says 'Boo!' I mean, life isn't perfectly safe, and yeah, the most dangerous thing most people do is hop in their cars every day.

And jarts kick ass! Sharp, foot long darts you throw high in the air at a park. And they banned that!

[amy]

I do agree with a lot of what you are saying. People are super-paranoid these days and don't allow kids any unstructured tree-climbing time.

Jarts -- reminds me of the scene in Garden State where the guy who made the dough off of silent velcro sends his flaming arrow high in the air to come down close to the launch site.